I know a place

 

 

Just down-slope from a well-used trail near the creek there is a pool thickly covered in duckweed at the foot of an old tree trunk which has splintered at its waist and been wrenched over into a stoop.  Think of this as a signpost.  It will invariably be quiet there with a lonely and forgotten feel but maybe a chipmunk watching from atop those ruins will give away the true nature of the place and then the evening flame of a Northern Flicker startled out of the brush will confirm that you are in the right place.  Though it avoids you and makes itself silent, there is so much life in this small margin between trail and creek.  Life both like your own and not, life hidden within other, larger life or its remains, concentrically bound to each other but still intrinsically free and enduringly fugitive.

And, in the rich, retreating light just beyond that point, you will find the bone-white trunk of a fallen pine which juts out over the water at the creek's bend while, above it, an unusual pattern of carved clouds jags into the blue sky.  All around you will be wild Rose and Swamp Onion in the hip-deep grass, wavering in and out of the shadows cast by that sun-bleached wood.  There with you too, some Bigleaf Avens, Nude Buckwheat, a few noiseless birds passing too quickly and near the edge of vision to name, and many semi-hidden sinkholes giving way to the wet sand and large enough that you could curl yourself up into them-- a secret within a secret.

If you end up there, you will feel it.  How soft all the petals are, how coarse the blades of grass, how you want to be hidden there too, and how it all springs up where many others have fallen beside that creek which itself passes by so quietly that one has to take it on faith that it's still there, moving behind you with its own unnameably gentle insistence.

*       *       *

What a rare solitude to find in Summer along those quiet, evening shores.  With the mountain's cross of snow above still glistening in the twilight, there are only these hands dipping into that calm water to comb and pick through the little rocks left here long ago by the same glacier that carved this valley.  Somehow thinking about time without feeling its passing, here and there, the dripping fragments are held up to admire in the last light and let fall back in musical splashes.  Talking of teaching kids to find solace in the wilderness and of simple, ancient lives long passed under these trees at the foot of this same mountain.  There are only the bats around now, still darting silent overhead and skimming just above the surface of the smooth, darkening water.  You can just see the gentle ripple after letting a stone fly out and how the dim light catches the swells with such a sweet, subsiding glow.  And do you wonder how long that peaceful hush might follow alongside or inside through the dark woods on the trails towards home?

*       *       *

"Would that be a life to disregard?"

I have been turning this poem about in my head for something like a month now:

The Rabbit

Scatterghost,
it can’t float away.
And the rain, everybody’s brother,
won’t help. And the wind all these days
flying like ten crazy sisters everywhere
can’t seem to do a thing. No one but me,
and my hands like fire,
to lift him to a last burrow. I wait

days, while the body opens and begins
to boil. I remember

the leaping in the moonlight, and can’t touch it,
wanting it miraculously to heal
and spring up
joyful. But finally

I do. And the day after I’ve shoveled
the earth over, in a field nearby

I find a small bird’s nest lined pale
and silvery and the chicks—

are you listening, death?—warm in the rabbit’s fur.

~Mary Oliver

 ~       ~       ~

Last week at the library, we all watched a juvenile Robin perched outside the window, shivering and breathing heavily from the exertion of flight which must have been new to it.  With the glass in between, it didn't notice as one got so close as to see its delicately squinting eyes and the tiny feathers on its rapidly pulsing breast.  It stayed there awhile and someone said they saw a parent Robin fly down to feed to its young.  One could see the small glow of wonder on others' faces as they watched something new to them and realized that it was also something familiar.

The next day, I came home from the library to a rabbit in my driveway.  I sat and watched for a bit as it picked out dandelion stalks to eat, ears alert and eyes fixed.  It would start at the bottom, pulling the stalk in with its lips until it got to the top and let the flower husk drop to the sand.  I slowly and deliberately got out, walking around the back of my car away from the rabbit.  It froze but it did not leave.  I quietly went inside and sat by the window to take a few pictures before it hopped up the short woodpile and disappeared through the small, hidden gap in the fence.

Today at the library, I was called into the break-room by a coworker to look at little bits of down sticking to the window and, on the other side of the glass, a juvenile Robin lifeless on the ground.  She had seen it hit, fall, and convulse and I was sorry that she had.  She told me that a Steller's Jay had also watched and hopped down to the body afterwards.  She had needed to tell someone and assumed I would understand, drawn to birds as I am.  It looked unnaturally peaceful there in the afternoon light and I didn't know what to say.

Later, I forced myself to go outside and take care of the little bird.  A graceful companion came out to help me and brought with her a shovel painted gold, of all things, from a different ceremony.  She helped me to raise it up from the moss where it had fallen and let me carry it alone, that little dark weight resting on a plane of glittering metal, to a nearby bush at the foot of a pine.  There I laid it, as beautifully as I could manage in a patch of light among the pine needles and little white flowers I couldn't name.  I thought briefly of burying it but it felt a strange thing to give to something so recently belonging to the air.  Somewhere above, a Jay was still hopping from branch to branch in an anchored way, as if trying to see from every angle the scene laid out below and maybe to understand.  

It seems disordered somehow to hate death, a natural part of life and the world, as much as I sometimes do.  I suppose that I, as a living thing, am naturally in opposition to it and so it makes sense to feel that pull of defiance-- to know its weakness and to gently work against its uglier qualities.  If only one could always be able to answer that revulsion, anger, and pain inside with beauty and the knowledge that life will come back in all its forms, strong and clever and joyful enough that nothing could stop it even if it wanted to.

Though it's difficult, maybe it is good to look at it as one can look at the mountains.  There is beauty in the wind and rain, the snow and ice, even as they scrape and eat away at stone and soil, destructively balancing erosion against the steady rise of the earth.  And it is only together that they make the rivers and waterfalls, scattering life as they go and gathering up what isn't used into glittering beaches on the shores of the vast lake which they hold between them.  A taking away is a necessary part of that process.  It helps to remember, when there is suffering, that even a short life taken is still a part of that greater economy of life and connected to the sustaining cycle in which we are all held.  For me, today, there was a young Robin left still and the memory of a rabbit stealing safely away.  Earlier, for Mary Oliver, it was the other way around.  Though there was ugliness and sadness in both cases, there was also the mitigating grace of beauty.  Despite loss, there is always an enduring joy of life, safe under cover again among the flowers and smiling irrepressibly back at its old sparring partner.

I like drawing but drawing doesn't like me.

So this is a Green-tailed Towhee I saw last year at Cove East.

And my drawing doesn't exactly capture what I saw.  I mean that guy didn't have nearly as many visible foundation lines.

But I humbly submit that my Towhee looks just a little like Samuel Beckett.

*

Maybe I should stick to drawing simpler stuff.  Like rocks.

Or maybe not.  The one on the right looks like a tasty potato.

*        *        *

On the plus-side, I'm pretty close to ready to go with the Nature Journal Club at the Library.  I hope to inspire them towards exploring the outdoors and keeping a sense of wonder to their adventures.  Which would be good since they won't be picking up any great drawing skills from me this round.

April 25th

 

The world given over to gray skies and faint wind for the afternoon, it helps to walk along the river with its two-foot, sandy cliffs and attempt to move at the same calm pace of the water.  One's mind goes fluid quite naturally and the feet try their best to gracefully flow over the granite sand still wet from melted snow and around the skeletal stalks of last season's flowers and faded grass.  This early in the spring, only the lupines are fully green, those plants which give more than they need to take.  Opened already in symmetric bursts of cupped leaves, many have kept to them pure droplets of snowmelt held at their centers, raised up and gleaming, even in the dull overcast light.

I don't always know what it is that keeps me walking or what keeps this love of the world held to its faithful, eddying ripple on its surrendering course.

But, just there, at a river bend, part of the soil has broken off and fallen into that gentle, insistent current taking with it half a colony of lupines caught in mid-tumble.  Held under that clear, dark weight, with roots still in the soil, they continue to respire.  And so little bubbles cling to the sunken leaves with their own supernal luster.

And I do not know why it never occurred to me then that those lupines might be saved or whether I could have done anything for them at all.  I do not know why I walked on to sit in the sand by the shore and watch the gulls huddled up against the chill breeze and lake waves.  Nor why I should have seen, on the way back, a wind-hovering kestrel, bobbing in place against the current of winds, hunting high above the marsh and held in what seemed like the center of the sky.  He flew on without striking, talons empty in the grey evening air.  And it seemed a strange counterpoint both to those lupines which remained sunken and freezing and those still above and offering their jewels. 

What is it, in the world, that holds each of us so differently in the same arms?

The Ides of March

 

     

The morning sky is overcast and we are thin under its gentle light held in dawning
Late winter and downriver through willow and alder, over marsh grass and needle ice to lake's edge
Stranded there in sand bars sleep hundreds of pools of ice still frozen in spite of the building warmth of day
Will it be for the last time this year we will see them held solid from the dreaming of their continual movement?
Through some alchemy of the wind and sand carried down from the mountains by the same water it now holds,
We see something of what must occupy the sleeping waters, what it remembers and what it anticipates
It charts for us the cycle it has always traveled, mapping what it found to love there

There are frosted peaks and rocky valleys, rivulets and mighty currents around distant islands.
Limbs of trees, the flowing bark and the fanning, twisting root.
And there too their quicker friends, the remembered insects and ghosts of flowers trapped beneath

And the calling birds echoed here and there in the ice,
the tips of their wings, secondaries spread in flight, bobbing tails and shining eyes,
feet that would soon break the surface again

Beneath the ice one could see the water taking back up its song and

It almost seemed, if one could have looked long enough,

as though one might have seen one's place and home,

a land these waters must also have passed

as the sun broke through the clouds

Robinson Jeffers

 

Hurt Hawks

I

The broken pillar of the wing jags from the clotted shoulder,
The wing trails like a banner in defeat,

No more to use the sky forever but live with famine
And pain a few days: cat nor coyote
Will shorten the week of waiting for death, there is game without talons.

He stands under the oak-bush and waits
The lame feet of salvation; at night he remembers freedom
And flies in a dream, the dawns ruin it.

He is strong and pain is worse to the strong, incapacity is worse.
The curs of the day come and torment him
At distance, no one but death the redeemer will humble that head,

The intrepid readiness, the terrible eyes.
The wild God of the world is sometimes merciful to those
That ask mercy, not often to the arrogant.

You do not know him, you communal people, or you have forgotten him;
Intemperate and savage, the hawk remembers him;
Beautiful and wild, the hawks, and men that are dying, remember him.

II

I'd sooner, except the penalties, kill a man than a hawk;
but the great redtail
Had nothing left but unable misery
From the bone too shattered for mending, the wing that trailed under his talons when he moved.

We had fed him six weeks, I gave him freedom,
He wandered over the foreland hill and returned in the evening, asking for death,
Not like a beggar, still eyed with the old
Implacable arrogance.

I gave him the lead gift in the twilight.
What fell was relaxed, Owl-downy, soft feminine feathers; but what
Soared: the fierce rush: the night-herons by the flooded river cried fear at its rising
Before it was quite unsheathed from reality.

~Robinson Jeffers

*I think the important thing here is to ask who it is who is speaking.  I feel that there is only one actual hawk here and that the plural in the title simply signifies kinship and connection.  If only men that are dying remember the wild God of the world, then the authorial voice must feel as though he is dying.  A man living with his family at most, cut off from a communal people, he recognizes a similar proud struggle against an inevitability in the hawk before him.  That he would sooner kill a man than a hawk maybe speaks to this estrangement from others being a conscious choice but if he is referring to himself with his mention of violence then there would still be penalties to give him pause, both of a spiritual and bluntly physical nature.  What does it mean for him that the hawk's passing merged in the dusk with the fierce crack of a gun?  What does it mean that he offered mercy to the redtail, first through pity and then with finality?  Is it simply age that makes him identify with the hawk's incapacity?  Night-herons are a communal species.  What does it mean that their river is flooded?